Twisted Love

He came into my room

He came at me, hugged me and carried me up, turned me around and brought me down gently

It was almost like a romantic scene between two lovers

Daddy Daddy I screamed with excitement

Its been a while since he came around

True to his words the last time he came; “ I will be travelling out of town for a while”

So I knew he wont be making his normal 3 days routine visit

That has been the trend ever since they signed the divorce papers with mum

“Your mother won the right to custody but he can visit anytime he wanted as long as your mum will be present in the house”; that was the only explanation I got from the social welfare officer. Nothing as to why they were getting divorced in the first place!

I guess I was too young to understand, so they didn’t bother. Like seriously? I was 10 years old at the time and I was a big fan of movies!!

For 3 years, he never missed his visits, even though he and mummy never had lengthy talks when he came but I enjoyed his visits because he always had something for me: gifts and presents all the time.

But today was different

His looks were different, the timing was odd too. Mum is not due home not in another 2 hours. Noticing the surprise in my eyes, he quickly calmed my nerves saying;

“ I came in early so we can have more time together”…But Daddy, you never come upstairs to my room, what are you doing here I asked. My stuffs are all over the place and Daddy there are a lot of “girl stuff” you are not supposed to see I said looking down sheepishly as I made to pick up some of my under wears that were scattered on the bed hurriedly.

“ Haba Tokunbo, no matter how old and fast you grow, you will always be Daddy’s little girl. There is nothing to hide”

Noooo! There is o Daddy, plenty sef! And with that, we both laughed. But I was still feeling  a bit awkward and uncomfortable.

I adjusted the straps of my night gown, repackaged myself just to look more modest in front of my “guest”…

“ So how is school? Your new school I mean, any new friends you want to tell me about coming from a Jambite?

Not really, am good Daddy, just the long ques to sign like a billion course forms I said jokingly. We both laughed again, and with that he moved closer to me and placed his palms on my poorly covered laps. Daddy what are you doing?

“ Toks darling, you know Daddy loves you very very much, right?”

Yes I quipped

“We are supposed to share special memories that no one can know about”

 But we already have plenty of such moments Daddy, the last been our secrete trip to the beach a month ago. You asked me not to tell Mum and I did not.

“Yes, but this is even more special. Only few girls in this world have such memories with their Daddy’s and you are one of the very lucky ones”

Okay Daddy, what are you talking about? The suspense is killing me, say it already. Where are we sneaking to this time around? Is it the cinema? I asked

“No, not at all. We going to create the memory right here in your room.”

Daddy right here? I looked all around my room in quick sharp glances trying to figure out what we could make special memories with, did he secretly buy something and kept here in my room without my notice and wants to surprise me with? I was lost literally…

Daddy I give up! I cant guess again. Just tell me what the secret is. The next turn of events have hunted me till this day. Two (2) years have gone by since that ill fated day, it set me on a destructive path, the shackles I still battle to overcome even now. The scars and memories are a constant reminder and torture of how my loving daddy destroyed my innocence and the word “trust” a mirage of some sort.

“You are growing up into a beautiful woman Tokunbo, has anyone ever showed you the striking resemblance between you and your mum when she was at your age?”

Woman ke? Daddy am just 14 o. Is my size now confusing you? Mum said I got that from you now. At 14 years old, I was already a size 12!

My father is 6ft 11 inches tall, a veteran basketball player and a now a coach. You could easily pick him out from a crowd miles away with his well built athletic body. Mum recalled how she blushed the first time they met at a basketball completion back then in secondary school. He was the toast of all the girls and she felt overly special when he walked up to her. She instantly became the most hated girl around especially from those dreaded girls from Queens College Yaba.

 Their love story continued into University of Lagos and was sealed a year after they both served their father land. Two (2) miscarriages went by, the pains quickly forgotten when I popped in three (3) years into the union.

The reasons for their separation was not clear (to me), but I once over heard my mum telling grandma years ago that Daddy was caught “man handling” some girls at a secondary school basketball clinic at the stadium to which my grandma shouted out in Yoruba “awon omo kekeke little little girls? Mogbe o”  At the time I could not really comprehend what they meant. 

My mum went further to explain that the girls were threatened not to speak out so as not to taint the good name of the school and their parents, moreover no one will even believe them or their story and the society will stigmatize them forever, hence the case was closed.

“I know you are 14 Toks but you look 21 and ready”

Ready for what exactly Daddy?

“Promise me you will not tell your mum, just like our other secret trips from school”

Still not knowing what he wanted or what my special gift was, I nodded in the affirmative. He moved a bit more closer to me, placed his hands behind my neck, I thought he wanted to kiss me on the fore-head as was our normal practice to say goodbye, but this time around, it was on my lips! I resisted and tried to pull away but he wont let go, I called out Daddy but his huge big palms covered my mouth fully.

“Toks do not struggle, its Daddy remember and am doing this because I love you” he whispered into my ears as he swiftly grabbed me from behind with his long powerful arms. I didn’t stand any chance of escaping his firm grip. Not until then did the reality of what was about to happen dawn on me. I have seen plenty scenes on TV where men fought with women but this was not a movie, and this is my Daddy. If it were a dream, I sure will press the wake up button immediately but unfortunately it wasn’t. I was shocked to my bones, trembling and shaking all over. I passed urine all over my body as I struggled to come to terms with what Daddy was (about) doing to me.

My short fancy night gown was a big disadvantage to me under the circumstances, Daddy at it and finally violated me right there in my room. I can still feel the taste of his sweat in my mouth as I write this. Shortly before he left me in the pool of my own blood, he turned around and said

“Do not mention this to anyone, keep it a secret and I will triple your allowances, I promise”

Those were the last words he ever spoke to me. I stayed in bed for another half hour before I could make it to the bathroom. I stood under the shower, watching my body from the mirror and my tears were uncontrollable. 

The pains made my menstrual cramps look like child’s play. My body, my joy had suddenly turned into an image that brought nothing but sorrow and pains. I felt I was worth nothing anymore to anyone. Who will associate with a girl who got raped by her own father?

Time went by so quickly, I did not notice or hear the sound of my Mums car enter the compound. Not seeing me as usual on the couch watching TV downstairs, she came up to my room to see me

“Tokunbo Omobolanle Cole!! Where is my darling angel? How come you left your room so unkempt?”

Obviously referring to the mess we left behind from the struggle. Her high pitch voice rattled me back to full consciousness, something in me urged me to run and go tell her what had happened but I was too ashamed to step out of the bathroom.

“How come your sheets are stained? Don’t tell me you lost track of your circle and slept off without your kits because I will be so disappointed. So called UNILAG students of nowadays, its not lady-like and obviously not from my daughter! Don’t you ever learn anything from your own mum?”

My Mum: Tara Adetofunmi Cole (Esq) nee Ade-Williams, daughter and sole heir to the legendary Ade-Williams & Co (Solicitors & Advocates), the biggest and most popular law firm on the Island. As a Principal Partner, she was a busy woman and career lady. She was also keen on been neat, polite, couth and her lady poise was exemplary, you could easily assume she was British by her life style, and so she expected me to operate at that level…naturally. And so you can imagine the look of disgust on her face when she walked into my room that day.

If only she knew that the stain on the sheet was a symbol of my dignity and pride as a young maiden so cruelly taken away from me by the only man I have ever truly loved: Daddy! 

  

“I have a meeting with a new client in 15 minutes in Ikoyi, you better make sure this dump you call your room get cleaned up before I get back”

As the door closed in behind her, I stepped out of the bathroom after about an hour of staying under the shower, even though my entire was aching physically but it was nothing compared to the emotional crisis that was going on upstairs. I still managed to clean the room, dumping the bed sheets and my only evidence of purity inside the washing machine.

 By the time I was done, a message popped up on my mobile. Reluctantly I picked it up and the name on the screen made my face turn red in anger and renewed bitterness. It read “If you tell your mum about what happened, she will lock me up in prison for the rest of my life, do you want that for Daddy? I have already wired some money in to your account as promised. Remember Daddy loves you very much, our secret”.

I threw the phone on the wall and the whole unit scattered in different directions but I could care not less. “So he is now acting like the victim in this whole thing? I screamed and started crying again, I cried even more, pulled my hair, it hurt so badly. I felt empty and betrayed, betrayed by my own father. What a life! In as much as I hated him and wished I could hurt him in equal measure, I did not want to be the reason for him to be imprisoned.

 The stigma of having a rapist as a father was too much a burden to bear, been raped by my own father even much harder. Friends, family and that big church of ours that carry gossip like free wifi: No I cannot deal, I won’t do it. I will be the laughing stock of everyone I know and don’t know.

That alone gave me some form of strength and courage, by the time my mum came back, I was “fit and proper” a term she usually uses to describe if I was properly dressed as was the standard way back in Law school, the red swollen eyes I blamed on the cramps, she was too tired to argue any further and the day ended.

 I went back to school the following week and decided to explore a little bit more, it was a bad decision. Initially, I consoled myself that I was too attractive even my father couldn’t keep his hands off me so why will other men? By the time I was in 300Level, I had lost count of how many men I had slept with. It was not for the money, I had more than enough. Daddy made sure it kept coming, apparently he felt he was paying me for keeping my mouth shut but the truth is, his actions destroyed every belief I had in decency: either for self or the society. 

The betrayal pushed me to unimaginable heights of indiscipline and loss of self control. Every time I snapped out of it, I would curse him over and over again for putting me on this path. I had loved him all my life but he took away all that from me and left me empty. Not being able to share the story, not even with my mum killed me even more because a part of me could not stop loving him even after what he did.

Today, I got a damming medical report that my womb was damaged from the last abortion I did. And so before I flush this rat poison down my throat, I decided to write down my story. I hope to see you on the other side.

Bye