Diary Of A Lazy Nigerian Youth : Episode 1

“ Bros, your phone don dey ring since o, I say make I kuku ma com give you since the battery don full. As a regular customer now, you no go vex if I comot your fone make I allow other pepu charge na, you know say the country hard, man pikin need all the change wey e fit pakage o”..

Guy take your time o, if my fone no full enh, I dey bring am back o, I no fit shout. That 50 card yu dey collect no be beans o. but who you say been dey call me? Any name show? Abi na just those fake MTN spam callers wey no dey allow pesin rest, na so so subscribe subscribe be dia own everi day, weda da person don chop sef nothing concern dem,na just to chop your credit be dia plan. Yeye scam pepu.

“ I no get time look who dey call as I been dey barb customer dat time, as da thin com dey too plenty na em I say make I com give you. Hope say I no disturb your sleep sha?

Not at all, as work no dey today make I take time rest body for house today. I cant come and die for this own o. monkey no fine but em mama still like am o. God punish devil. I reluctantly stood up from the bed, reached for my Chelsea jersey on my small reading table and headed for the door. As I pushed the very old door curtain to the side, I saw Okon smiling sheepishly through the wooden door with the see through net almost giving way after years of been battered by the unfriendly elements of the weather. I gradually pushed it so it wont park up finally and with my head slightly bent downwards I stepped outside to meet my unwelcomed visitor..

“ up Chelsea!! Unna play ball yesterday sha but unna no gree score chai. Those small small Arsenal boiz come dey score for unna house. Thank God say na only #500 I put for that my ticket o, I don target say I go chop almost #17,000 na only that match cut my ticket, e pain me o. to come shop this morning sef dey taya me cos all those Gunners fans for our shop don dey wait to yab me as per say I don make mouth say unna go win. Unna fall my hand badly sha. But nothing spoil, next week against Burnley unna go collect unna 3 points back take replace am, unna must win the league o”..

Okon leave matter abeg, those boiz don hammer oh. Na we for here still dey look for chop money. I don tell yu make yu no dey bet money again, na bad spirit dat thin be o. where my fone na.

His excitement now gone due to the little scolding he received, he stretched out his hands without looking my direction to hand over my phone.

“ make I dey go back shop,customer dey wait for me. Shei yu go show background later na? That thin( pami) of yesterday still remain small o, abi make I just send John make him bring am com give yu?

Don’t worry, am no longer interested. You guys can have it all. E never spoil? I asked, make unna no drink poison o I shouted as he turned to take his leave. I shook my head as his seemingly frustrated figure walked out of the face me I face you compound located at the suburb of Nnewi, the compound had 24 rooms but only 7 were habitable. It was a case of survival of the fittest.

 The last set of tenants in room 17 and 22 moved out yesterday when their ceiling caved in, for me my own challenge lied with the walls. The dampness leaves the room with a particular smell reminiscent of my mud house in the village. I was always careful not to leave my clothes or bag on the floor or near the walls as it will take a lot of hard work to relieve them of the unpleasant smell. Complains to the landlady over the years have not yielded any positive result as she claims she doesn’t have enough to feed not to talk of renovating the building. If you couldn’t stand it, park out simple. The message was loud and very clear.

I looked around and saw the small mortar of mama vera, I guess she didn’t remember to park it along as she was leaving yesterday, as I sat down on it my fingers flipped through the 6 missed calls notification I saw on my phone. Strange enough, they were all from a particular Glo number that I didn’t have. This must be serious I thought to myself, I hope its not from the village o, I hope nothing is wrong with mama? So many thoughts flipped through my head all at once. Just as I was about to make up my mind to borrow #100 from the network to call the number, another call came in. As  my gaze shifted back to the screen to see who was calling, Endurance walked into the compound and from the looks on her face I knew all was not well.

“ mama said I should go back to where I slept last night, and its all your fault. I told you to allow me go back home but you refused, that useless pami you were drinking didn’t make you see reasons with me on the gravity of the wahala it will cause if they realized I didn’t sleep at home! I begged you for hours but you refused, you insisted on sleeping with me and even the fact that I was ovulating didn’t deter you. Now mama is shouting like a mad woman in our compound and am sure she will come looking for me here very soon!”

I was lost, literally. As she stood there panting and fuming. Only then did the events of yesternight began to replay out in my head. The last events I remember clearly was the part I got to the barbing salon and we sat down to demolish the pami. I remember Okon telling me the drink was spiked so that the small quantity will get everyone “happy” in no time. Coming home with Endurance and insisting that she spent the night were all memories I was still trying to figure out clearly.

“But when did I ask you to follow me home and even insist on you spending the night even at the risk of you in your ovulation period?” With one sharp turn, she gave me one dirty slap, I was caught off guard at the sudden turn of events. My phone fell off my hands and the battery detached from the rubber band I used to hold it in place. I slowly bent down searching for the pieces of my dear nokia phone.

“ After all my pleas yesternight that fell on your deaf ears, you now stand here asking me stupid questions. What is in that your room that I will be eager to spend the night in? you were clearly under the influence of that drink and you acted accordingly. Just come up with a good explanation to give my mother by the time she gets here o”

Still in that unraveling drama that I was trying to catch up with, my phone rang again. I managed to sit on the mortar once again just to get a little composure to answer the phone with the little courtesy I could remember. As I pressed the answer key on my phone, my hands were shaking as I lifted the phone to my ears, the voice on the other end of the phone sounded more like that of a model.

“ Hello, please am I unto Mr Frank Egerue?

Yes you are, I mumbled through…

“My name is Cynthia and am calling you from the Corporate Headquarters of FINZ Group here in Lagos, I am the HR Assistant and I will like to know if you will be available for a one on one assessment/interview on Monday the 10th of July? I have been calling your line for ages with no response. Or is this not your official line?

Yes it is ma…

“ I just had to get through to you today been the last day as failure will mean you miss the chance to join this firm, I hope you make use of this opportunity as you were selected from over 10,000 applicants from across the country”.

No I wont ma

“If I may ask, what part of the country are you presently because your CV here with me reads Nnewi?

You are very correct ma

“Well that leaves you with just two days to get to lagos, I hope you will be able to make it down here?”

I will ma, thank you ma

“So I will see you then, have a good day Mr Frank”

“So na yu camp my daughter for house last nite abi? Uncle just because yu teach am to write jamb na em make yu no allow am com house? Da papa pay yu yur moni abi him dey owe?”

While I was answering the call, I didn’t notice mama endy had walked in behind me and was just waiting patiently to pounce on me even more than her daughter had done.

Mama no be so, I no say make endy sleep for my house o. I dey surprise sef wey I see her this morning say na my house she sleep cos na only me one follow sleep for house mama.

“ so na who dey lie? Cos my pikin no sleep for house and na only yu she mention! Any way no be fight matter, she kuku don reach to marry na make yu come meet her pale beg for her hand in marriage. No be so?”

Looking at me with stern vicious eyes hoping that I say anything contrary to the options she just gave me, I swallowed the ball of saliva that had formed in my throat and cleared my fore head of the pool of sweat that had gathered there, I looked at Endurance with the last hope in me that she will change her story so that this unfolding nightmare will disappear and end. But just as our focus landed on each other she broke my heart even more with her response…

“ why you dey look me uncle, answer now abi yu no be man again? Yesterday yu dey make mouth say yu be man and can do whatever it takes and now yu dey sweat like xmas goat”

Mama I no understand all wetin dey happen o, believe me mama. If to say my neigbour never park comot we for call am now make him bear me witness say nobody follow me come house yesterday. No be true mama.

“ I no get your time, when the papa come back from travel we go call yu again make unna talk man to man cos e be like say u never wan gree confess”

And with that final submission, she grabbed her daughter by the hand and dragged her towards the sole entrance to the compound. As I watched them struggle to jump the gutter separating the compound and the main road leading to Nnewi town, my heart sunk even further. 

What mess have I gotten my self into? How come I don’t remember any part of it? I didn’t really drink that much. On a good day, the whole of the keg cant satisfy me but then what the heavens did that boy mix it with?

I was caught in between rushing to the salon to confront him immediately but then I realized I had to be in lagos in two days time, all I have left cant even get me breakfast not to talk of getting me to Lagos. How do I raise the money I need now?

To be continued. ..